26 September 2023

Over the past several days I’ve had some critter encounters. First up, I had had the thought of, “wow, I haven’t seen any deer in a long time. Wonder if I’ll see any,” and THE VERY NEXT DAY one crossed the road in front of me. So far with these appearances, I’ve been extremely lucky (THANK YOU, WHOEVER) in that I had space and time to slow down and let them cross, and it was the same this time. One of these days I’m gonna go around with black crown stickers and decorate all these fucking deer-crossing signs to look like the Baratheon sigil. It’ll be a laugh. But anyway, so there was that, and then not long after (same day? next day?) I saw two squirrels cross the road and the one behind was much smaller than the one in front. Baby squirrel panicked a bit when it got almost all the way across, paused, had me going “OH, SQUIRRELIE! BE CAREFUL!” for a sec, then turned around and booked it back across the road in the direction it had come from. Fortunately, the traffic coming in the other direction also saw it and so there was no carnage. And let’s see… a couple times, it’s been rabbits. Thanks to Shel Silverstein, I tend to go nutty and screech “RUNNY BABBIT!” but one of the sightings was in a customer’s front yard and I’d have looked like an asshole. And there was a puppy once, speaking of customers; I asked this one if I could say hi to her and he was fine with it, so I got to pet a puppy. (I also got extra in my tip afterwards. Going by puppy’s opinion of me?) And then yesterday on one of my last runs, someone had what looked suspiciously like a pit bull or something in that category but I’m pretty sure doggo wasn’t even a year old yet — young, anyway, and still impulsive. It was okay. Tried to pet him anyhow.

I am down to crunch time with the rent and had a bad day today. I must pay my phone bill; that’s not optional. No phone, no Uber Eats, no work, no more money coming in. So that’s going to hit tomorrow. I’m going to need to have long days for the rest of the week and I’m still not sure how that’s going to go because I have to get gas too. Also food, but I’ve done the get really cheap food thing before and it turned out okay. I may feel like shit by Sunday, but I’ll feel like shit with a roof over my head. Beats the alternative.

(Honestly, no one’s notified me that I’m kicked out of the Salvation Army program yet, so I have a feeling that if I needed to ask for help, I could. But we’ll see.)

Weird one-sided back discomfort is still going on. And here’s an extra wrinkle: it may not be my back. I will not get into the gory details but I suspect internal-organ involvement. Best case scenario is it really is kidney stones and the pain just moves weirdly. Or that my fibroids are getting creative. Anything else really doesn’t bear thinking about. Although I am not panicking. If I get cancer, I’ve fucking got cancer; even with health insurance my options would be extremely limited, and I don’t even have that right now. I screwed myself good and proper quitting Quantum. It is what it is. I don’t know why I prioritize mental/emotional peace over, say, being able to put money into savings and not having to take it right back out again, but here we are. Anyway, I could literally have all the money in the world and I still might not give a shit. At this point the question becomes what the fuck am I living for, exactly. I haven’t acted on that solely out of fear that I’d somehow fuck it up or somehow miraculously (or not so miraculously ’cause I fucked it up) survive. If I go through that door I want it to be one-way and immediately shut, the end. That might not happen, so here I be. But if I got cancer then that’s gonna get me eventually. I might not like it, but on the bright side I’ll have a right to the good drugs and I might be able to make something definitive and final happen then.

Or, I’m entertaining worst-case scenarios because I’m an asshole, this won’t be anything, I’ll end up fine, and life will get better eventually.

Either way. I don’t really fucking care.

Meanwhile, because I’m seeing signs I need it, I finally got some magnesium again. Best part? It was part of a buy-one-get-one-free sale.

I have been having problems with a certain gig temp app for over a year now. Final straw, I thought, was the app asking for my I-9 and other documentation again. Assholes, my citizenship status has not changed in a year and a half. Jesus Christ. I wouldn’t be so annoyed but they want someone to witness the documents. I suppose I could ask my landlady, but I would rather not bother her overmuch and anyway, it’s the principle of the thing. But! I got an email from them in the past day or two about how they’ve updated the app a lot and it should be working properly now. I dunno, but at some point very soon I’ll reinstall it. If it’s working, I am not going to grab shifts right away. I want to go through Shark Week again first, then we’ll see. If I can start doing things regularly there, I’ll be able to make plans to move out of here. I might have to move out of here anyway, but I’ll have more choices at that point, potentially. I do worry that I will not measure up to what they want done at a fast enough speed, but I figure I can just ride the situation til I get thrown off. I’ve already fucked up everything I possibly could in my life. I might as well go for broke. Wait, I am broke. Past broke. There.

(Odd to label myself “broke” when I’ve got $725 in the savings account, but I need another $275 and somehow to score that whilst paying for gas and food. Fuck? So, yeah. Broke.)

I have things I can make and do to earn extra but then I get home and don’t want to do anything. I suspect most of the problem is a complete lack of confidence that any of it would even sell. I suspect that lack of confidence is not misplaced. No one cares what I do unless I piss them off. (And then they wonder why I appear to be negative in order to seek attention. Well maybe fucking notice I’m alive when I’m NOT being an asshole and we might fucking get somewhere. I’d prefer that. How about it?) And everyone’s become even bigger assholes since the pandemic began. But I guess I will see how things go. I need to pare down some more in any case and I’ve got a bunch of shit that might sell well now with the holidays coming on. We’ll see.

You can’t have my Rory stuff yet, though don’t think I’m not tempted. I do have an extra copy of Hot Fuzz to unload, but aside from that.

Okay. I need to sleep. Gotta be up earlyish again.

P.S. Never heard back from the hospital. Probably never will. I suppose it was worth a shot.