Sorry about the long silence. There hasn’t been a whole lot of interesting stuff going on that I could actually go into great detail about here — for instance, there was a funny moment with Neighbor three Mondays ago having to do with chicken and a deep freezer, but I can’t tell the story because Reasons (nothing prurient, just Reasons) — and for the most part it’s been basically the same stuff day by day.
One sort of difference is that Neighbor’s wrapping up one book — it’s finished but needs editing and L’s helping him with it — and working towards finishing the writing on the next one, so I didn’t think it was possible for them to be even more insular than they’ve been up ’til now but lo, here we are. Actually he reminds me a lot of Matt in his absent-mindedness except for willingness to laser-focus when the object of his affections is around (L), so that’s been a nice self-esteem booster. A couple Mondays back he asked me how things were going with me and I said, “Why?” and he was surprised, but I never did answer the question either because I felt disinclined to share much of myself because although he does strike me as kind, so did Matt in the beginning and a lot of times Neighbor’s “manners” seem kind of rote, like someone taught him social skills late in life and he’s remembering all the rules he’s supposed to follow for good social interactions. Also like Matt. Which kind of tells me that even if there were mutual interest, it likely wouldn’t end very well because I don’t have a lot of patience for that shit — the absent-mindedness, the not understanding that social skills are about more than rules, and me therefore not being able to tell if it’s real empathy or just him greasing the skids.
Doesn’t stop me being wistful, but definitely stops me saying or doing anything excessively stupid where he’s concerned. Because at least right now I’m pretty sure I love him, and I would rather have him in my life in some capacity and not have him be my life partner than try to make him my life partner only for us to end up enemies. God, that would suck. Let’s never do that.
I still have this nagging WTF feeling about certain of his behaviors, because he’s acting towards me a bit like I do around a person I really like but don’t want to admit it. But that could just be his general social awkwardness. But I wish I knew for sure. It would make everything easier. At least after the initial ouch, because no way in hell am I reading that correctly because no way in hell could he actually be interested in me. That shit doesn’t happen. Never mind that a lot of stuff I am living through right now also “doesn’t happen” — that’s been a fluke, is all. I cannot possibly continue having the same sort of luck. I cannot see how that could be.
Okay, I’m lying. If I really did want to know, I’d have asked him already. Shut up, Dana. God. You’re pathetic. I don’t know what it is, then. Just wanting him to tell me of his own accord, maybe? Meh, fuck it. It doesn’t matter. No matter how this turns out I’ll probably be unhappy about it on some level.
It’s just not fucking fair, y’all.
And not for the first time — I just haven’t been willing to write about it — I’ve been questioning my part in relationships anyway. I have this tendency now to be low and mean and jealous and possessive. I know this about me. I feel like it was caused, like I wasn’t always like this, and I don’t know how to stop doing it because I know it’s bad and I know it makes ME feel bad, never mind what it does to the guy in question, but… I can’t trust. I used to. I used to be so open and accepting. I tried so fucking hard. But it’s gotten to this point. And I absolutely despise this about myself. But if I work on it, I leave myself open to getting hurt again. And you have yahoos all over social media saying you’re supposed to be willing to get hurt in order to really love — what the fuck is wrong with these people? If it really is true then I don’t want to love anyone anymore. Unintentional emotional injury is one thing. I mean we all have accidents and get sick and suffer misfortune and we’re all gonna die eventually. Two life/love partners hurting one another in avoidable ways? No. I cannot take another fucking fuckboy thinking loyalty to me is optional. I just can’t.
But even before I got surly about this shit, I wasn’t the greatest partner. There were times I cheated, but in some ways that wasn’t even the worst thing. That was me wanting to get out and being too chickenshit to say so, so that was the end of the relationship in question. I’m talking about while still in it. I wasn’t as mentally present as I should have been. Whether that’s ADHD (minus the hyper?) or what, I don’t know. I think I would make a more conscientious partner now, but that may just be my wishful thinking. I certainly can’t go by on how things were with Matt. First I was poor, and then I was pissed off at him and we weren’t in a relationship by then, strictly speaking, anyway. So I don’t know. I don’t really have a good metric.
I wonder if this is a big reason why I’ve started being a bit obsessive about finding someone. I mean obviously I miss the physical contact but is this about learning more about who I am as a person? Kind of a stupid reason to want a relationship. Or, I dunno, just a really weird reason? Because of course I would have weird reasons for everything.
Meanwhile, I’m in this secret Facebook group where people share memes and stuff about stuff we like in the interests of positive emotional reinforcement (not how the description puts it but that’s what it is) and finally, the guy who started that friended me. I’ll call him J. At first I thought, Hm, this is interesting, and he knows Neighbor and a lot of Neighbor’s people and he lives up in Washington state so it was not inconceivable we could meet in person at some point. But the longer this goes on the more I realize he’s just another drama whore. I’m not sure what he’s after in general with social media but he’s certainly not any more interested in me than he is in other people generally. And anyway, he speaks of becoming a hermit. Well, you go and do that then, dude. Have fun. Let me find some guy who hasn’t given the fuck up on absolutely everyfuckingthing.
I mean what is it with middle-aged men anyway, the fucking old miseries? The kids are grown, were there any, and either the marriage went well or it didn’t, and they’re either close to retirement or already there — in fact, J retired early. They’ve mostly figured themselves out and have gotten to a fairly good place in life AND THEY WILL NOT SHUT THE EVERLOVING FUCK UP ABOUT HOW MISERABLE THEY ARE. In some way. Even Neighbor gets like this. God. If this is what I have to look forward to, no wonder so many middle-aged women give up on men. I don’t fucking need this. I try to empathize with them, I really do, but they don’t actually want that! Had that problem with Stuart. Like (not a quote, I’m mocking), “NO. I won’t let you cheer me up! Fuck off!” WELL OKAY THEN. You can fuck off too.
I actually seem to bemuse Neighbor when I laugh at things. It’s so weird. I miss when people were fun.
Ha, I just posted on Facebook about this. Speaking in general terms. He took the bait. “Well, you cheer ME up.” Sure, honey. So why were you talking about going hermit AFTER you friended me. Whatever.
Honestly.
I’ve taken up knitting (as of late August) and crochet (as of more recently) again. Had bought some yarn off Facebook Marketplace the week L was gone. Am up to various and sundry with that, probably will make myself at least one sweater. I’m tired of frumpy. Or if it’s gonna be frumpy it’ll at least be nice colors. Fuck this noise.
I’m gonna make myself get into portraiture too. I realized not long ago that I’ve mostly used Making Art as an escape from extreme misery. I never wanted it to be like that. What a fucking rip. So we’re gonna redirect this ship before it sinks me.
Enough wallowing. Stuff to do. ‘Laters. Not so long this time.