09 November 2023

Not much of an eventful day. I got more delivering done than I did yesterday but as I was completing the fourth or fifth one, as I was near the dropoff neighborhood, my body felt that was a good time to remind me Shark Week is still going on. My usual pattern is the first roughly three days are really heavy, and then it tapers off fast and just sort of spots for days. But the past two or three months it’s been sort of mixing things up a bit, out of boredom I suppose, and the heavy days seem to happen at random, sometimes four or five days into it. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard women talk about getting a “gush” event, but I get them, passing large clots sometimes too, and this was one of those times. Fortunately, I didn’t have to get out of the car to hand the food off, and I got home without real incident other than being held up at Dublin Road and Hayden Run because WHAT THE FUCK, PEOPLE, QUIT BLOCKING THE FUCKING INTERSECTION they are still working on the Riverside and Hayden intersection and still have two entire lanes closed off and people do not think about how to TIME things. Fuck. Anyway, that was the worst bit and then I was home to clean up. I thought about going back out later but I didn’t trust things to behave, so no.

I’ve been working on stretch bracelets, trying to get more money out of my bead collection that I had wanted to sell off anyway. I need to go ahead and list some of them tomorrow. Will I? I don’t know. But I need to do it.

I always seem to run round and round over the same old ground in my head about my general life situation and stuff people have done to me. It probably doesn’t help that nothing really new is happening, at least nothing new and good. I could have that as a distraction, but no, and my general distrust of people isn’t going to help improve that any.

I want you all to know something, whoever reads this, and especially if you already know me in person. I’m coming around to something I’m probably going to do, and I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about it.

I had this concept of myself in my head that because I have a family and because I am a mother, there are certain things you do and think in those scenarios if you really care about those people in your life, and if you don’t do them then you don’t care and then you’re a bad person. I didn’t come up with that concept on my own. Society pushes that on you too. It’s really, really hard to step away. It shouldn’t matter what people think of you, but when you are already on the ass-end of society and no one cares if you live or die, what people think of you matters a whole hell of a lot. It could make or break you for your life ever getting better. Or for you continuing to have a life at all. I’m learning that the hard way. I would have been better off cultivating friendships all those years than giving one single fuck what men thought of me. Men want a jizz receptacle who will wash the skid marks out of their jockey shorts for free. They don’t give a fuck about women nine times out of ten. I let myself be suckered into what patriarchy does to women, which is portion us out to men to be isolated in men’s houses with no support network, no assets, and no future. I am never fucking doing that again. It’s probably too late to make real local friends though. That ship has sailed.

But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about having come to the point that I’ve realized I’m still holding space in my mind and heart for people I’ve cared about to come to their senses and really come talk to me, come hear me, come sort things out and figure out some new way we can forgive and deal and move on still acquainted with one another. I’m talking about realizing that that’s futile because that only works when the people you’re missing were operating from good faith in the first place. Were good and decent people in the first place. Ever had your best interests at heart and felt you had theirs at heart in the first place.

That’s not what’s going on here. They hate me, they think I’m scum, and they wouldn’t bat an eyelash if I died tomorrow. I need to let go.

I need to just proceed as if people are already dead. Stop wishing, stop hoping — however faintly, stop leaving space open because y’all, it’s just going to fill with cobwebs. I need to be filling that space with whatever the fuck I’m going to do with the rest of my life. No one wants to be in that space. Fine.

You wanted me to go away. This is me going away. Actually, it’s you going away. I belong here. I am here. You bailed. Bye.

The cold hard truth is that if they came back tomorrow telling me they were sorry and asking for some way to move forward together, I couldn’t trust it and like as not, they’d follow up that expressed wish with some version of “but you have to do what I say even when it’s wrong and you have to act like you like it,” which is a fucking non-starter. You can’t make peace with people who do not respect you. You can’t make peace with people you don’t respect, either, and I’ve lost all respect for most of those people and don’t have much left for the rest. It is better that we have distance. We can all do our own things and not bother one another. Fine.

It will be interesting to see who comes out what way in ten or twenty years. For the record, don’t even come at me going “wow, how have you been” because if you had really wanted to know, I’m all over the fucking internet and I’m an open goddamn book. People who want to know things make an effort to find them out, not save it up for ten or twenty years and then play dumb when you run into the person somewhere. You know what you did. Either work to correct the situation properly or leave me alone. If you have to ask “what’s proper?”, you aren’t ready. Go work on yourselves til you figure it out.

You won’t. None of that will ever happen. I’ll write about my experiences at some point and then maybe you’ll get a fucking clue, if you ever even look here anymore, but other than that I’m fucking done. I need more space to get things done. I can’t fit you in anymore.

I’d say I’m sorry, but what’s the point.

Okay. One more bracelet and then snooze.