28 June 2024

I need to think about what sort of little world I want to build for myself. It’s just going to be me in it so I have 100% free rein within the limits of physics, finances, and time.

Worrying about what other people think of me has turned into this toxic habit that’s going to fucking kill me if I keep it up. It’s not as dangerous as Dad’s drinking is to him, but it’ll do me just the same if I don’t watch out.

If it ever mattered what I said or did or looked like, it might be one thing but it never matters about any of those things. No matter what, I don’t count. Well then fine, I don’t count. I will figure it all out myself then. Because I kept trying to hold space for other people, but they don’t want any.

Keep on doing your weird shit that I don’t understand. That’s on you. Either you understand it or you don’t but plainly, I’m not meant to.

No I haven’t made any crazy decisions to suddenly change anything and, strictly speaking, I’m not angry at anyone in my immediate (or nearby) vicinity. I’m just sad. A lot, and I’m tired of being sad. Stuff will go on as usual until it can’t anymore. I will just do the best I can.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I could reach out and start making friends and not be terrified that they’d ditch me for knowing I exist.

I had my time. I lost it. It’s not coming back. Now what.