22 April 2024

Pleased to note that my hosting service is good about giving me some wiggle room to pay for an expired domain instead of immediately offering it up for blood sacrifice. Rory’s Bane is back online.

In my experience, Mondays are kind of slow anyway so I wasn’t expecting much, but one real boost I got was a $14 run to Abbeville. Cookies. From the mall. Great American Baking Co. That $14 was my share. I dunno, you tell me. Jodi (Dad’s landlady) was incredulous when I told her after I got back. Probably should have told her about the fake hedge animal I once transported from a Big Lots in Reynoldsburg (or was it Blacklick?) to a neighborhood almost (or actually) in New Albany, and that when I left the customer’s neighborhood, I saw another Big Lots nearby. Or no, I could have just told her about the big-ass bag of theater popcorn that other time. I love rich people. Throw away some MORE of that money at me, yo.

Jodi was over because she’s been thinking about setting up generators, a bigger one between her house and Brenda’s and a smaller one at Dad’s. Dad seems to think he’ll be paying for his. We’ll see.

But I reached about $25 even before the cookie tip came in, which was another six, so I think I have about thirteen or fourteen in reserve right now after paying the domain fee. I need to get my ass back out there Wednesday or Thursday and just go through until Saturday, especially as we’re supposed to have rain on the way. I might as well get the bulk of it done before I wind up looking out the window and going “Nope” at the weather. At least at this point it’s $43-ish for one expense and $35 for another. It won’t be as scary as the insurance payment. And the $35 can wait until 2 May for all I care.

I need to change those things over to my Uber debit card. Not the one I use for customers and their Shop & Pay runs. The other one that’s for me. No more 85 cents an instant-pay! (A buck-something after 1 May!) Woohoo! I should take some time, too, and tinker and see if I can do transfers back and forth to my PayPal and whatever. I WAS pleased to note that the Uber payment app lets you set up savings goals. Not enough banks and credit unions do those. It was one of the things I loved about KEMBA.

(A thing I learned not long before I left: KEMBA started out as the employee credit union for Kroger employees! That’s about as Ohio as it gets. If I ever go back, I’ll be in for account number FOUR.)

I joked about Rory’s Bane back in the first paragraph. I actually don’t know what he thinks of the site, and it needs cleaning up anyhow. I have been saying that for literal years and it’s still not done. Not that it would ever be DONE done unless he kicked the bucket or I quit running the site, but you know what I mean. I was actively surprised when a woman who knew Rory’s sister Sally-Gay back in high school messaged me a few years back and complimented how much work I’d put into the site. Lady, this is what I do because I can’t go chase his ass. Total compensation. Like men with little dicks driving huge pickup trucks. Don’t tell Rory’s people I said that, though. I am behaving myself, and I’m tired of being seen as a Bad Woman. Not that that’s going to stop anybody. I just thought I would register my opinion.


You might be wondering, “Would you drop the site if Rory said he hated it?”

Probably. But he’d have to prove he was the one sending the message. Anyone can pretend to be anyone on the internet, and plenty of assholes have been pretending to be him; the problem was so bad there for a while that when he finally got (or his wife started) his own Instagram, a lot of fans didn’t believe it was him at first. Thank fuck for blue checks and friend-list clues. I actually do not know what I think about whether he would ever say a thing like that to me — or about me, publicly, maybe. Based on everything I’ve heard, there is some potential there for him to be an asshole. Probably one of the reasons I’m attracted to him. I seem to have an asshole magnet that I dearly wish I could destroy. But on the other hand, I’ve lost count of how many people who have met him have come back and praised him to the skies. I’ve seen that sweet streak in him myself. He even gets all cute and shy sometimes. Awwww. So who knows. I’m not going to borrow trouble, but I did want to indicate, publicly, that I’m aware of possibilities and have thought about what I would do. People think I’m slow and stupid for some reason. So I usually have to spell it out.

And I wouldn’t even be talking like this about him if we weren’t five years apart in age, if he hadn’t started out normal ordinary working-class, if he hadn’t gone through some major hardships and come out the other side, if we didn’t have some quirks in common. I don’t make it a habit to moon after celebrities, and haven’t since I was a teenager. It isn’t the celebrity I’m all gaga over. It’s the man himself. The only thing his fame did was make him visible to me. He literally could still be a tree surgeon who never managed to make it big as an actor but if I knew of his existence and as much about him as I do now, I’d still be into the big man. I’ve dated worse. That is a horribly flippant thing to say. It’s still true.

But I don’t date married men anymore, and did in the past only because I was young and stupid and insecure. I no longer think married men wanting to fuck me is a compliment or a “sign” of anything, which pretty much dooms any future straying husbands with me from the word “go.”

Plus I’m a troll now. So every other factor I’ve addressed here is irrelevant, really; he is guaranteed to find me repulsive. I get it: I wouldn’t fuck me, and I masturbate only because I don’t have to look at me while I’m doing it. Looking at him from afar is all I’ll ever get. So let me have my little fucking hobby and stop grieving me about it. If you are.

Speaking of. Would you believe Matt was jealous of him while I was still living at Matt’s place? Not even kidding. I have no idea why, because men as a rule are almost never attracted to me, Matt knows that, and Matt never loved me in his entire life. I think it was some weird control thing. Me obsessing over Rory was a clear and present sign that Matt didn’t have an emotional hold over me anymore. I wonder if it was a coincidence that Thea announced she was trans less than a year later. I wonder if Matt manipulated her at all. I ask this question because he would tell me he wasn’t on board with it out of one side of his mouth and then “respect her pronouns” out the other side and Have Talks with her behind my back. Even if he wasn’t specifically putting ideas into her head about trans, he was pushing her somehow. I saw a few examples of the latter when I went digging, and they were appalling.

It may just come out — no pun intended — that that whole mess really was 90% his fault, and I hope for his sake he’s dead when or if it does. I will say no more than that. Because that shit wasn’t one bit funny, and he was playing with both our lives, mine and Thea’s. All because he couldn’t be my puppetmaster anymore.

I haven’t reached out to him at all this year, and not since mid-year last year, when I saw Thea’s graduation video and learned that she was moving to Colorado. He ignored me. Message received. I’m curious whether he’s relieved I’ve given up or is disappointed he isn’t yanking my chain anymore. I’m not curious enough to find out, and I probably couldn’t anyway. Just idle curiosity. (Fucker couldn’t spell curiosity either. Thought there was a U in it. Along with many random foods which he often eats anyway because he is stupid, he is allergic to Google and dictionaries.) I’m good, and getting better all the time. I have down moods sometimes, but they don’t last and those evil spells I went through in the first year and a half or so have largely dissipated. At some point I may even stop insulting him. I make no promises.

I swear to fuck he was making me ill. Both physically and mentally. For two fucking decades. It’s like I finally pulled a rotten tooth that had almost killed me.

Speaking of health. I have been dutifully using the glucose meter and strips from my prescription for my fasting sugars, and before and after one daily meal when I can manage it, and I have learned two things (among others):

1. Metformin does not seem to make a difference one way or the other

2. However, exercise does seem to make a difference

Not even formal, strenuous exercise. Just the moving-around involved with food delivery. I went three days in a row last week, not for more than six hours at any point (I don’t think), and I got my fasting sugars within goal range one morning and very near it the other two. My nurse practitioner’s goal range is shit because it allows fasting to go as high as 130 mg/dL (it’s not her fault; the medical establishment are generally morons about this, which is why the diabetes epidemic is so overwhelming), but if I were to go keto and then make a real effort at regular movement, I have a sneaking suspicion I may be able to get into actually normal range.

This is both wonderful and terrifying. It’s really hard to eat Actually Right around most people, because most people are carb junkies. It’s even harder around Dad, who thinks it’s all about food quantity, and I am not even going to try to explain that one to him. I would rather we never discuss food at all other than planning what to buy or eat. I am watching him waste away before my eyes but he thinks he’s doing so great because he’s losing weight. You’re losing MUSCLE, you old coot. I can LOOK at you and tell. You NEED that. Oh fuck it, I can’t fix it anyway.

“Oh, fuck it. I can’t fix it anyway.” That seems to have been my personal mantra quite a lot over the past 2.5+ years, actually.

But I can still fix me. I’m almost 100% sure of it.