14 December 2023

It’s really early morning, nearly 2am, but I probably won’t write later today, so I don’t care. If I change my mind I’ll just tack more onto the end of this post. Okay? Okay.

I keep running into the same old nonsense with trying to catch up the month as I ran into trying to be on time for the month in the first place. There is a strong possibility I will be back in an extended-stay suite by January. I don’t know for sure, but if it happens, don’t be surprised. I won’t be.

For example, we saw that I was dealing with heavy-period garbage, and then on top of that things have been crappy pay-wise when I did manage to get out and about, and on top of that on Tuesday I wanted to get out and do some driving and… the driveway was blocked because one of Elizabeth’s helpers was moving firewood from the far side of the lot up closer to her house. There is one driveway, it’s single-wide, and if I can’t get down it with the car then I’m not getting out of here with the car. I could have asked to get past them but I don’t want to draw attention to myself because I’m not sure how much Elizabeth has noticed because last she knew I had a new temp thing going on. Right. I haven’t talked with her about that. I didn’t see the point if I have to vacate the premises at the end of January anyway. If we were looking at the potential to renew the lease it would be a different matter. That’s not going to happen, so right now I’m in hypervigilant mode and trying to stay out of her way.

At least if I leave early the worst she’ll be able to say is I didn’t give notice but the lease is no longer active, so that hardly matters. What’s she going to do, tell some future landlord of mine that I didn’t give notice on a month-to-month? Come on. And that’s if I use her as a reference in the first place. I probably won’t.

Anyway I was going to go on. I wasn’t done. So the period thing, the driveway, and then I’ve had two bills hit in the past week. Both minor, neither more than $50 (and under $75 both together), but that’s the razor-thin margins I’m working with right now. I have no wiggle room. I might even have negative wiggle room. I really don’t know. But I’ve got another one coming up in the next day or so that’s another $11, and then on the 18th or maybe 19th I will owe insurance which will be another $100. Then Christmas is coming and that will be enforced downtime for at least a day and a half (early closings Christmas Eve). That screaming you hear is my brain trying to claw its way out of my skull. I am so tired of this shit.

I know. I bought it by quitting Quantum. I am well aware of that. I don’t have to find this shit fun just because I do stupid things. Even if it’s written somewhere that I have to, it’s written lots of places that men who like wearing lipstick are women and that’s not fucking true either. I’m not going to find this situation fun. Ever. You can just fucking cope.

I’ve given it some thought and I have sort of a game plan for at least securing employment. It won’t matter whether I keep this place if I can pay for the extended-stay suite without driving six damn days a week for at least six hours a day, or at least not in my own vehicle. So. One possibility in Delaware. One possibility along the High Street corridor not far from where I’d live there if I could. A couple possibilities here in Dublin.

I need to get those applied for by the end of the week. At least one ought to bite. You would think.

And from there, maybe we’ll see.

God knows that no one is yet supporting me in my preferred endeavors except one lady on Substack. That was a nice surprise. I need to write more there. But there are many things I want to write about and then I get in front of my laptop and I get a mental block. I’ve been talking for a long time without people bothering to listen. I’m mentally exhausted by it at this point. People were not listening before I left Matt’s two years ago either. But it feels more real now because with people still around it was easy to assume that my thoughts and feelings were incorporated into sort of the fabric of our lives and people were aware of them. Even though there was no reason for me to feel that way. It was an illusion. Dispelled now.

(Whatever Matt tells you about “feelings” he had for me, one reason I never trusted him again after all the shit from 2004 to 2007 was that he never engaged with me on social media again. To have written me off and not bother looking at anything I had to say, that was a pretty clear sign he’d washed his hands of me from way back. So much of the ill will between us could have been prevented had he told the truth and listened to my side of things. Not just recorded my words in his head to parrot back at me, but actually comprehended them. He didn’t do either, so here we are. And remember, he got mad at me for rolling my eyes when he’d interrupt whatever I was doing or reading to talk about his workday. Actually interrupt. Not even a “can we talk, let me know when you get to a stopping place.” Just immediate blah blah blah like I had nothing better to do but change gears immediately for him.)

But it isn’t just writing I want to do. I need to list more bracelets, make more jewelry, and start a regular drawing practice. At this point it’s too late for anything but priority and express mail if I do happen to sell anything in time for Christmas, and that’s not likely to happen. At least the listings are cheap and last about three or four months. I just feel a bit put out that people were going “ooh” on Facebook but nothing’s nibbled. Well, I’m going to list more anyway, and they can bite me. At some point, someone will nibble. That’ll be a nice little windfall. Certainly a better outcome than trying to just sell the beads.

God. It’s 3am already. (I took forever to write this little bit. Like I said. Block.) Another fun thing I had to deal with was waking up with the shits when I wasn’t done sleeping. Hopefully it’ll go better this time. Off to bed.