From a meme on Facebook today…
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“You can tell when someone grew up with fear-based parenting. They always think they’re in trouble. They apologize for things they don’t need to apologize for. And they over-explain things so intensely you can feel their anxiety.”
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Reba’s been peeking in on my Facebook again lately. Bet she’ll care-react it like she had absofuckinglutely nothing to do with it.
Uh-huh.
I am still fighting with this stupid cold and while I am basically achieving bare minimum in my daily life, I don’t have energy for much more than that. It’s not even the cold itself. It’s that once I go horizontal, my lungs start going slugnutty and it takes almost no time at all. Eventually, after a nice long back-and-forth fit between sort of breathing and trying to launch my lungs into orbit, I manage some sleep but I end up waking up due to the congestion. Again. And again. And again. So that’s why no energy. Suddenly glad I’m not driving.
Except in the sense that Walmart is two miles from here, which takes 45 minutes to walk according to Google but I’m not sure my fat ass would be up to that speed, and I can’t buy cold things there and then walk back even if it did take only 45 minutes. Which it would not.
Which matters, because L informed me a few days ago (I’m fuzzy on it now) that she needs her eggs for herself and her dogs and that I should get my own. Not in those words but that was the message. I seem to clearly recall her telling me I could eat hers, but maybe she thought I’d only eat them occasionally. I’d be happy to chip in, and I should have thought to make the offer then, but it’s okay. This way, I can just buy a greater quantity of cheap eggs and they will last longer rather than buying fewer eggs for her that cost twice as much. It’s a win, really. I’m just wondering if something like this is going to happen again. It will not be a reason I leave unless something REALLY weird happens, because I don’t have a car and really, I have nowhere to go unless I go to Doug’s, and the idea of me dragging around things I can’t fit in my bags gives me nightmares. That’s the literal rest of my material life, including all the family photos I have, and it will all be destroyed or lost in no time. I can’t do it. So I’m hoping things don’t get REALLY weird, because I don’t know what I’ll do. I am never at my best decision-making capacity on impulse.
I’m debating whether I should chance going to Walmart on foot and risk any cold things I buy, or just ask for a ride once a week. I could reimburse her on gas if she wants unless she was going to go to town anyway, and then she wouldn’t exactly be spending extra on fuel. I hate asking people for things, but we’ll see. I found an insulated bag on Amazon that looks promising, and I might just get it.
God, I want a bicycle. Maybe someday soon.
Welp, got my phone situation sorted for the next three months, this one inclusive. I wanted to move to Tello because they’re around $35 a month and so it would have been some savings over the between $43 and $45 I was spending at Twigby. Got as far as activating the SIM and then Tello fucked up. I had no service and when I tried to figure things out with tech support, they were reading off a script. No, that’s not why I chat with tech support. No script. Find out what the fuck’s going on. I was very patient though, and we might have been okay even though she (I think it was a she; the agent’s name was Carmen) got a little weird in places, but then I asked her what network they were on because my other carrier had been on Verizon’s. She advised me to look it up on the internet and said she couldn’t tell me due to security reasons. Okay, everybody out of the pool. It was less secure, I told her, for me to look it up on a website than it would be for her to just tell me in our chat. At that point I ended the chat. I could see we weren’t getting anywhere.
But either late last night or today I got an idea because even though Tello’s signal didn’t work, I did now have a local phone number. I put my Twigby SIM back into my phone and got a hold of Twigby in their support chat this morning, and I asked them if they could just port the Tello number to my phone, and that I would gladly pay the $10 for a number change. Can’t do that, said the support guy, but what I can do is close the line you’ve got and then port the Tello number and start a new line, plus you will be eligible for any new-customer promos. Cool, says I. I can handle that. It honestly didn’t matter what “line” I had, it was all coming to the same phone and I was changing my number anyway. So we got that worked out, my old I Got Kicked Out Pregnant phone number is gone, I have a local number so now can rule out area codes as a reason employers don’t call back, AND, when I looked at what they were going to charge me? HAHAHAHAHA IT’S $25 A MONTH. $28ish with the tax added. Even when it goes up to full price it’ll be like $35 to $40. HAHAHAHAHA. This gives me some breathing room. As a bonus, the port happened a lot faster than I think either of us anticipated. He thought it hadn’t happened when we clicked off. It had. I’m good to go. Best part? I didn’t have to cancel Tello myself. A port-out is an automatic account closure with them. I checked to make sure. It’s kaput. All done. And they never took a cent from me; I was still in the trial period.
Cool.
And by the way, if you want to try Twigby because they are fucking awesome, hit me up. I can get a referral bonus. That would be nice. I have never had a significant problem with them, and whatever I had to ask about was always quick to resolve. They can just keep that up and I’ll basically stay with them forever.
Oh and my Google Voice number has changed. If you look at my home page and scroll down to the bottom, you’ll see that. I couldn’t pull one up for Crescent City, but GV let me choose one further down the state. It doesn’t matter. I’m just using it as a sort of catch-all anyway.
I’m taking forever to write this fucking post. I’ll tell you what, though: I’ve got my playlist going in my earbuds and it’s kind of perked me up. I think I need to start doing that instead of getting lost on Facebook and maybe I’ll get more done. It is perfectly conducive to writing. I already know it pairs nicely with drawing.
…Instead of getting lost on Facebook! There I went again.
L said when I first got here that I seemed really sad. Yeah, probably accurate. I’ve been numb for a while now so I have to say “probably,” but I also have to say it’s probably coming out by alternative means other than crying. I mean, the not crying is good. I hate crying. But my whole life feeling like it’s slogging through half-frozen mud isn’t a great alternative. I’m gonna tank what’s left of my life if I keep this shit up.
The other problem is that I’m starting to feel the decades-long lack of contact with sane male-type people in my life. I don’t mean sexual contact, though I’m not convinced I would turn that down either, which is sad. Because what helped me stay celibate all those years was not being around guys at all — if I get to liking one enough, it’s a lot more likely I’ll want to take him for a roll in the hay. The good news is it’s not likely to become an issue. Dude in question’s a bit of a space case. I mean that in the best possible way. Not because I want to put him on a pedestal but I want to make it clear I’m not trying to insult him. He just is. He’s a dreamer, and he’s got no time for petty mundane things like tearing off a piece of me. AND IT IS JUST AS WELL, because if I even thought there was a chance I’d be making an ass of myself pursuing it, and I DO NOT need that distraction. It wouldn’t go anywhere good anyway. That never does.
At least it wouldn’t knock me up at this point. Thank fuck.
That’s right. Still no period since week one in January. I thought earlier this year that that was going to be another stress delay like I got in ’22. I was SO hopeful back then, and then it came back and basically dicked everything up. But that hasn’t happened this time, and I think I’ve mentioned before that things FEEL different down there. No more blood-bloat. Ever. It’s wonderful. I bet the fibroids, or fibroid, are shrinking too. I hear that happens when the hormones change. And, well… no period, no ovulation either. I’m not QUITE willing to say I’m in the clear, but at this point if I did catch it’d probably be the Antichrist or something. In other words, not terribly fucking likely.
(Shut up. Summay’all out there qualify as the Antichrist’s father. Facts.)
My other theory, besides the space-case thing, is that maybe he’s with L. They don’t live together, but they’re both introverts, so it might be on purpose and they are walking distance from one another’s homes anyway. I’ve just seen them interacting and either they see one another as honorary family, or they’re fucking. There is no third option. I never see men and women be that touchy-feely with one another under any other circumstances. So one more reason for me to keep it reined in and redirect it is I might inadvertently REALLY piss her off, and she’s my key to being housed at this point. I’m not using her, it is definitely a quid pro quo, but that is still my situation. Let’s not sabotage it. It isn’t terribly nice to interrupt a good emotional connection anyhow. I’m not even sure I could. His energy is all wrong in that vein. Like he’s remembering he ought to be elsewhere.
Shit, that’s probably why. Me and emotionally unavailable (to me) men. Right?
…
I might put in my trip day by day after all. I just don’t feel like being hugely wordy about it. That doesn’t mean I won’t change my mind, but that’s just where my head is right now and I can’t say which way it will go.
But probably not tonight. Dude is not the only one who’s a space case lately.
Sigh.