Category: uncategorized

Holy fucking Christ, this week.

Okay. So. Uh. Today’s Thursday. We did the meat haul on Tuesday, one day late. Right. So. Yesterday I had four items’ worth of scutwork and in a normal week, I’d have done two yesterday and two today. Because people were supposed to be arriving today by 3pm, I went ahead and did all four items. So that’s all done for the week. Bonus: Neighbor paid me on time! I hardly know what to do with myself. Wow.

Sorry, that was bitchy. I honestly believe that at least on that count, he means well. I don’t know anything about anything else to do with him. I am agnostic in that department.

But! People did not arrive at 3pm. They arrived well late, actually. I want to say about 8-ish? I was a bit of a wreck. Was quite excited about meeting S finally. It wouldn’t have been quite so bad had they not taken FOREVER to get down the driveway when they finally arrived. I know they were putting things in the barn (I don’t know why L calls it a barn; it looks like a fucking house), and possibly they had put up S’s tent (why on earth are we making him sleep in the rain, tent or not? I suppose at least that might not be the case for the rest of the weekend?), but I also had to listen to Parker barking the whole time. And I mean PROPER barking. She made the stovepipe for the wood stove RATTLE all the way across the ROOM from where she was barking — okay, not a large room, but that just made it WORSE. Because I was in the line of fire too. I had to go upstairs until the guests got to the house because it was bothering my ear so much.

S was first to make the porch and to come indoors after we had had a proper dog exchange to minimize complications (Duke is extra-barky with new people normally — I stood out when I first got here because he barked maybe once and then took right to me). It almost looked like S was really looking forward to meeting me. He even offered a handshake, which I accepted (this man has wonderfully large hands; I’d have been disappointed had he not offered), and which (here I am being bitchy again) was more than Neighbor offered when he and I first met.

Had a moment when we were settling into the living room that I caught him looking at me, and then when L led the women who came with him out to Neighbor’s old house (the house Neighbor currently lives in was his mother’s — they shared a property), S and I had a proper conversation. Wandered a bit from topic to topic, realized he may actually be scared of dogs (he held it together rather well, poor guy), learned more about his family, told him a bit about mine, and hither and yon and blah blah blah. It was great.

We’re not jumping right into Event Things tomorrow until mid-afternoon, so hopefully I get more talk time.

Yep. So far, I really like S. Hope I was right and Neighbor’s with L and not at all interested or Neighbor’s gonna run out of time. Pass the popcorn.

(No, I’m not after making Neighbor jealous. Just, if that’s what ends up happening, he’s got no one to blame but himself for it. No, I’d be quite pleased if it turns out I’m not wrong about S and he really is a decent guy. I have done much, much worse, y’know?)

I’m a little vague on when things have happened but… I think yesterday was when I had my busy day. Went to Walmart, came back, was settling in and had just spilled my Sprite Zero because I forgot how volatile Coca-Cola Company drinks are and I’d thought since I’d already opened it that I was safe… nah. When suddenly I get a message from Neighbor that he wants to go to the dump after all. Well, okay. So between the Walmart trip and the walking to his place I ended up putting in more than six miles’ worth of walking. Then was helping him lug shit around and throw shit around (not literal shit)… and while he did drive me back to L’s place, I still wasn’t done. Cleaned the bathroom and did the daily sweeping. I was tired. Earned it though.

(He drove to the dump again. I’ve given up trying to figure out what that’s about.)

Gut pain still coming and going and my dumb ass forgot the yogurt. Sigh. The pain’s gone right now but I had it this morning, along with an attempted migraine. Am now working on caffeine withdrawal, so I’m expecting a few more of those before it’s all said and done.

Anyway. Yesterday. So he drove me back here and then he stayed around a while. He and L have educated me on Kiwi Farms and that while yeah it’s a cesspool of Aspies (they call themselves “spergs” now, apparently), they learn more about news events having access to it than they would otherwise, so I might start an account there at some point. We’ll see. But while Neighbor was here, he ran across a photo of some stupid troon looking stupid in stereotypical porny shit and he turned his laptop to show her and goes, “Would you still love me if I dressed like this?”

So now I’m wondering what he meant by that. Are they actually a couple (they are SO a couple) or is he joking about the love thing too or does he mean “as a bestest friend” when he says “love”? AAAAARGH

I didn’t say anything. He showed me the pic and I made the appropriate faces. Probably should have joked, “Nah, I think my love switch would shut right off,” just to see their reaction. Am very glad I didn’t think of it ’til just now.

Oh yeah, and I did two loads of laundry. My own — L will probably never ask me to do hers AND IT IS JUST AS WELL. I do hit some household linens when I need to, but not a big deal.

Like I said. Busy day. And yeah, that was yesterday, now I think about it. How sad is that. It’s all a blur, man.

Today’s been boring. Scuttlebutt is that we may not be seeing a meat run until Wednesday night. Since I haven’t heard from Neighbor all day (he liked a couple things I posted to the funny group on Facebook, but that’s been it), I’m guessing that’s very likely. It is possible he’d let me know if it happens tomorrow. I won’t know ’til we get there. I have a decentish amount of food in the meantime. Not really worried.

I did ask him yesterday about the whole situation we have and how it’ll change over winter, because reasons, but it’s going to go on as usual, and we’ll just deal with the haul differently than we do now. That was a relief.

I need to get myself under me to make more of my own money. Will I? I don’t know. But I need to.

I can’t say I’ve settled on any definite conclusion about my current situation; we’ve all seen I flit the fuck back and forth between one mindset and another and yes, I annoy myself with this shit, too. But I may be closer to, specifically, figuring out the Neighbor situation. I don’t KNOW for sure, but it feels like it.

So, I still don’t know what’s up with him and L. I’m not going to ask, and I’ve been here since late May and he hasn’t even hinted, and I’m certainly not going to ask her because if they are together and she even gets a whiff that I’m interested, I could be homeless in less than a week. So we are not going there. So it’s an impasse.

But I’m seeing behavior that, I’m sorry to say, reminds me too much of Matt and I got tired of that shit when he was doing it.

Specifically, the absent-mindedness thing.

I still think Neighbor is more kind a person than Matt ever was. When Matt decided to Do Nice Things, he was always after something. It rather seems to be more built into who Neighbor is as a person. But he’s also pretty severely absent-minded. I know he has a lot of stuff going on, but let’s say best-case scenario that he and L aren’t together and she’d be fine seeing him with someone. (Tall order. Highly unlikely. If you could see them together, you’d see what I mean, even without the PDA except for occasional hugs. And I’ve seen two of those since late May.) Even then, there needs to be a certain amount of focused attention to build a relationship. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but it does have to be there.

Y’all, I can’t even get him to pay for the scutwork timely. And he did ask me to remind him. And I do remind him. And I’m lucky if he sees it within 24 hours. Or he’ll see me in person and go “I’ll send it when I get home” and then… crickets.

Okay?

It honestly doesn’t seem like he doesn’t want to pay. And he even came out and said that that was not the issue. It is just being absent-minded, he said. Okay, fine. But some part of me, the part that still isn’t okay after all the shit Matt and other people pulled, feels like I’m basically worthless if we can’t even get this done timely. It’s not a lot. For instance, I earned $60 from this most recent week. So I’m having trouble wrapping my brain around him “just” forgetting. And I also hate reminding people that they owe me money. I wouldn’t say it’s quite to the level of pet peeve but it does bother me a lot. Helluva spot to put me in. Thanks.

I could probably sort of live with it if one, I weren’t getting flashbacks to Matt’s bullshit and two, Neighbor ever consistently acted like he was interested in me as a person… okay, if L isn’t there distracting him, sure, he’ll start in with the questions and conversations. Sure. But if she’s there, forget it. Oh, if I initiate a conversation, he’s happy enough to chat… until his attention wanders. So. I don’t need to be the center of the universe. Never did. But goddamn it — and I’m always initiating this shit, too.

So where I’m going with this is probably just considering it a wash, continuing to be friendly with him but not hoping for anything else because it’s not happening. Ever. Literally, he could have a crush on me or something (I sound so fucking junior-high) and just be wired differently and not be the type to be demonstrative about it, maybe even hoping I make the first move. That’s great, but it’s not what I need right now. I’m tired of feeling like I have to beg for crumbs. My self-esteem has been trashed for literal decades. For fuck’s fucking sake already.

But there are still things I really like about him and I suppose I’ll look for those in another guy.

Not sure it’ll be S, but I suppose I’ll find out soon; it’s less than a week til he arrives. I expect he’ll be here this coming Thursday, since he told me he’d be here a day early. He’s been odd and distant, not that he was ever touchy-feely on Facebook but he’s gone extra-weird the past several weeks. Some of it’s no doubt getting ready to move back to the Western Hemisphere for however long he decides to stay this time. I also suspect people have been canceling him again. I’ll spare you the rant on that one. There have been a few hints here and there of Interest from him, but I’m not sure I can trust them, and very likely he’s still hung up on his ex too. That’s likely going to be a dead end.

You know what, though? It doesn’t have to be either of them. It shouldn’t be anyone, honestly. I’m too poor. It’s too much of a risk. Besides. We all know who I’d rather jump if I ever got a chance to do it. Sure, he’s occupied now. Situations change. Maybe I should be taking all this free time that my poverty and his “situation” are giving me and actually position myself to have half a shot at him later. Luck tends to be more favorable when you’re ready for it.

—

Got the package from Carrie the other day. Wasn’t weird like I’d been afraid it would be. Honestly not sure why she sent any of it, but did get my raincoat back and its liner, so I’m basically ready for fall, anyway. Got a test run with experiencing that weather, if from indoors, today because it rained all fucking day. I am going to need to figure out water-resistant shoes. My current ones certainly fucking are not. Sigh.

—

Gut pain for the first time in quite a while. Had a sudden turn for the better today and I think maybe tomorrow I’ll be fully on the other side of it. Whew.

—

Stupid fucking period. I had to delay the scutwork this past week by a day because no way could I deal with an accident if it came down to that. As it is, rain or no, I have to go to Walmart tomorrow to restock supplies. Nothing for it. (Another reason I was somewhat miffed at Neighbor today.) I’m so irritated. Can’t this just END already? I’m fucking old enough.

Oh well. I see we’re forcing myself to write anything at all at this point… again. I need to sleep. ‘Later.

Did not do meat-sorting tonight. It got delayed a day. But at some point, L was over at Neighbor’s, and she came back with some salmon he’d found in his freezer. Sent specifically for me.

It’s a thing with us, for some reason. One of the castoffs that is frequently in the meat hauls is a bunch of packets of smoked salmon — you know, the thin sheets? Also some of a slightly different cut. He and I both like salmon, and pretty early on we sort of mutually agreed to divide them between us. One time he even took it upon himself to add one of the alternative cut to my carry-home bag when my back was turned.

Well, this past week there was no salmon. I still have some steelhead and I figured out a second way to eat it, so I was getting by insofar as seafood is concerned. But apparently this turned up in his freezer so he decided to send it over. Or half of it. Whichever. He knows I had a good haul last week, and he thought of me anyway.

He is making it very difficult to not like him.

Not that I’m exactly making much of an effort.

I want to do something nice for him. I don’t know yet what that will be. I mean, yes, the scutwork, but he’s paying me for that. (Still rueful about losing the $100 a week but honestly, I felt like I was fleecing him.) Something will hopefully occur to me.

Carrie messaged me Friday to tell me she’d shipped my package. This morning I woke with a jolt wondering whether I had mailed myself what was in the large flat purple boxes. I can’t remember if I did. I will have to dig through my stuff to find out because a specific thing will be in there if I did. Just looked at the tracking and the package is in Texas. Allegedly it is supposed to get here Thursday. Carrie had said she’d send the few things I left at her house, but apparently Dad also wanted to send some stuff, and I have no idea what that means. This could end up being a big box. Good thing L just got a new vehicle. And Neighbor has his truck, if it comes down to that. I could have asked. I’d rather leave it a surprise. I’ll likely be disappointed in whatever he sends, anyway. Or it’ll be some kind of a mindfuck. Oh well. I was enjoying becoming sane. Count on Dad, I guess.

I managed to spend my entire $45 ($5 sent to Chime to square my Being In The Hole) at Walmart today. Bit embarrassing, but I wanted to make sure I’d be okay for a bit.

Shark week is ongoing, started a few days ago. Had an unpleasant moment yesterday on my first attempt to go to Wally World where I was sure I was going to have an accident if I kept going, so I came back here. Thankfully the gush happened maybe halfway to the mailbox intersection, if that far. Could have been worse. But it’s been a lot more peaceful today, including when I made the two-point-something-mile trek there. Whew. I don’t know if it’s the dietary change. I just hope it’s over by the time the weekend thing happens in two more weekends. There will be a hot tub. If I can even get a swimsuit together before then. I will at least attempt the shorts and throw a tshirt on. I can do that.

Okay. I need a drink, I need to wash a few dishes, and I need to think about bed. And I probably should write tomorrow. This is getting silly.

I’m writing this after 1am on the 9th but unless you want to hear about me going pee and washing some dishes, let’s pretend I wrote this on the 8th. Sound good? I think so too.

Okay. Meat Night #1 went well; Meat Night #2 went well. Five items for scutwork, so $50 this week. Phone’s paid for the month so I won’t go so far as to say what I’ve got’s all gravy, but I’m a little better off than I was. Food supply solid for now. I even got maple-flavored breakfast sausage. It is quite tasty.

Lots more bear activity. So far, they’re just scared of me. So far, I handle the dogs okay if bears are out when I walk them, which normally I do after the meat-sorting, except last week when everything started late. I must admit I really enjoy seeing the gigantic forest floof doggos. I get why they’re classified as caniform.

(Black bears, not grizzly. I’d be more afraid if we were dealing with grizzlies.)

(And black bears are not THAT gigantic, except the older males.)

Weekly scutwork finished today. Neighbor and I went to the dump for the weekly trash run. I actually asked him this time, as he was about to get in the truck on the driver’s side, whether he wanted me to drive this time and he said, “nah…” I’m a little confused about that. I will not at all complain if he decides we’ll keep doing this together so as to have a bit of social hour; today he regaled me with questions about my time in the Army. He’s like that. Honestly I’ve never known a dude that curious about me, and it isn’t just “tell me about yourself,” which always was a lazy cop-out. It’s specific questions. A gal could let it go to her head, if I didn’t already know this is a thing with him. But… I feel like, if you pay attention to the questions someone asks you about yourself, sometimes you learn something new about them. Or they’ll just volunteer the information. Turns out he considered joining the Navy for their nuclear officer program (submarines, from what he said), but in the end he didn’t think he’d be able to adjust to the lifestyle, and then he ended up with Crohn’s in his late twenties anyway.

(He asked me whether he’d have had a shot at decent care had he been in the Navy when it happened. I explained about VA care versus military care and pointed out that as in the civilian world, quality of care varies widely depending on where you are. Plus, when he was twenty-seven, most people had never heard of Crohn’s. As it was, the first civilian facility he went to was not doing right by him, and his mother yanked him out and took him to a university hospital which was much better. And so he is here with us today, and we all say thankya.)

He probably better watch it though because if I get much braver, I may start asking him questions.

Don’t worry. I won’t be creepy about it.

I still feel suspicious something is developing there. I probably shouldn’t feel that way. I don’t think “shoulds” really enter into it. I’m not going to push or even ask. I’m just going to experience and observe. If this is just him being kinder and more curious than the average bear and he’s like that with everyone, great. If this is just him seeing if he can make a new friend, fabulous. If it’s something more than that, then he’s going to have to say so; that will be one question I don’t ask. Everyone who ever told me I moved too fast into relationships can kiss my ass. We’ll ignore the fact I probably don’t have another thirty years on this earth and have wasted too much time already. I don’t feel like rushing it this time. Because I always get it wrong. At least if I somehow still get it wrong this time, it won’t be my fault. Or at least not for that specific reason.

That assumes, of course, that something doesn’t kick over with S. I don’t want to be like that but goddamn it, it’s like I said before: it may come down to who’s braver. Or who actually feels some particular way, which Neighbor very likely doesn’t. Well, I’ve got less than three weeks ’til we start maybe seeing answers to that question. I am not even going to try to predict the outcome.

S did tell me I was lovely (or, rather, an old pic of me was lovely), though, by liking the comment where someone else said it. I wonder if he knows I noticed…

So, got paid for the scutwork last week. I forget which day but basically I messaged Neighbor to ask about going to the dump because he hadn’t said anything about the weekly trash haul but I thought there probably wasn’t enough for him to want to bother with. I was right, but me asking jogged his memory and he sent the $40. So I got my phone bill paid and also laid in some supplies and got a tub of spreadable cream cheese. Nice to have something a little bit different.

Neighbor only got part of the meat haul last night. He’s going back to Oregon tonight to snag the rest of it. I got lucky, though. If I don’t get any more food tonight, I got enough last night that I’ll be okay for the week. And we already got two scutwork items, so that’s $20 I know I’m getting, and that’ll see me through to next week. At this point I’m hoping for more frozen items. I was really running on fumes with the food supply but then realized I’d forgotten about a couple packs of boneless pork chops in the freezer, which for a while I had thought were L’s. But I get a sense she’s not that crazy about pork if it’s not bacon. Seems to prefer lamb. I also like lamb, but I can take it or leave it. So she gets hers and I get mine. It’s cool. I want to branch out a bit with seasoning — I’m thinking that if I can get about $20 ahead some week soon, I may order Roastmary for the first time in thirty fucking years (just about). Because it’s still available! This stuff is incredible. I’ve done up pork chops with it before and they were just [chef’s kiss]. Sooooo we’ll see.

I am thinking I’m going to wean off caffeine. L told me weeks ago that she generally avoids it because something had dried up for her — saliva? tear production? both? — and her doctor told her that can happen in menopausal women on caffeine. Apparently in her case, quitting it helped. I know I can still produce tears because my eyes are not constantly red, and I still produce saliva, but everything feels drier in my face than it used to. Plus, me being this dependent on caffeine es no bueno. I don’t seem to get serious headaches anymore — my brain’s few attempts to kick up a migraine since I got here have been feeble at best — but caffeine withdrawal used to be a trigger for them and I don’t want to find out the hard way if that’s still true. But anyway, I found an affordable way to do the weaning without investing in jars of instant for the withdrawal process. I will likely still do morning coffee after that, but just the three cups like I’m doing now, and with cinnamon. I love that shit.

Aunt Flo’s still trying to make up her literally bloody mind whether she’s going to drop in. Hope either she gets the fuck on with it later this week (after I get paid again, PLEASE, though I think I could manage with what’s in the account plus SpotMe if I had to) or goes the fuck away for another two or three months, because there will be a hot tub on premises for the meeting later this month and I’ll be fucked if I have to opt out. Yes, yes, I know what they say about hot tubs and diabetics. That’s people with neuropathy at risk of burns. I don’t have neuropathy, so fuck you. But I have rotten luck with tampons, even the super ones, so if Aunt Flo is harassing me that week then I’ll have to find something else to do when everyone’s in there. Knitting, probably. Why the hell not.

Speaking of which. I have been debating with myself for months on what to do with my remaining yarn. God — for years, I had both an impressive book collection AND an impressive yarn collection. Both all gone now. Handful of books left, my favorite yarns left, not a lot in either case. I need to make things from the yarn and get it gone. Probably will make them for sale. Mentioning this out loud on Facebook may have landed me some work making hats for a specific person, but we’ll see if she ever gets back to me about it. I’m not getting my hopes up. And this is one of many reasons I don’t normally open myself to commissions. People flake, even with the best of intentions. Sometimes they wait til you’re done to flake. That’s the absolute fucking worst. I got lucky once in that I was able to sell a requested pair of socks I knitted (thanks so fucking much, LaRay… fuck off) to a different person via Etsy when the original customer didn’t follow through. Won’t always be able to do that. Or, I dunno, I guess we’ll see.

But ANYWAY, so I’m finally knitting that damned llama yarn. Hats. Alpaca felts really easily, and llama wool is close enough to alpaca that I didn’t want to chance it as mittens or something. Hats involve less friction in the first place. I figure I can probably get about three hats out of my llama supply, and then I can go on to the alpaca. I have four colors of the alpaca, so I’m hoping to do some striping or some other kind of color change. I may not even use all the llama by itself because one of the alpaca colors is brown (the others are two shades of gray and a black), and I may add in a llama stripe to a brown alpaca hat or something. We’ll see.

Lots of brouhaha going on because they’re letting men compete in women’s sports in the Olympics this year. Worst of all, they allowed them into women’s boxing. I had some choice words about that on my Substack, and this is the most popular post I’ve published there yet. I should point out I’ve got about 115 subscribers right now and, last I looked, there are 57 likes on that post. I doubt everyone who liked the post is a subscriber, but since I put it up I’ve been getting daily emails about new free subscribers. So something is going on. I’m a little weirded out, but it’s pretty cool, too. I just wish I’d get that kind of engagement for other things I write. This is just where we are right now. People are sick of being lied to. It’s not even about being anti-gay. The concept of trans, at least as currently applied, is homophobic as hell and a lot of gay men and lesbians are pissed the fuck off about it, and lots of straight people are pissed off on their behalf as well. Lesbians being overrepresented in women’s sports, this is becoming twice as harmful to them. The “Pride” crowd does not give one single sweet shit. This will not end well.

I need to get on the ball with my two women-related projects. I’m dragging feet because I fear putting in effort only for it to go nowhere. Like everything else in my life. If anyone ever wonders why it seems like I don’t do anything, it’s because every time I do something it gets fucking ignored, UNLESS it is a negative or bad thing, and then that’s what I become known for. Fucking bullshit. I know this happens to women a lot, but there’s no fucking excuse. If Charles fucking Manson could get married in prison to a woman he never met outside of it, y’all can start noticing when I do good and/or useful things. I don’t need a prize or any fucking thing like that. I just need to not exist in a vacuum. It has really done a number on my mental health over the course of my life. My parents never should have built me up as The Smart Kid. No one gives two fucks whether a woman is smart. Ever. At best, they notice our work and fucking steal it. But usually, we just don’t exist.

But I should do it anyway. In case it turns out that THIS TIME I’m wrong.

Still pleased as hell that S referred readers to me. That was amazing. Once in a very great while a woman will call attention to whatever I’m doing but normally, dudes don’t bother. And you know what? I’m going to go thank him. I don’t think I did that explicitly enough and directly enough before. Time to fix it.

Got the rest of the scutwork done. There is a lot of busy-ness going on right now with the upcoming thing in August and I have a feeling I’m going to have to be like “HELLO ARE YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING” before we get either the dump run OR my pay done. And it’s going to be forty bucks as it is. Better than last week, but not by much and I need to hang on to some of it for my phone bill in case next week is an utter wash.

Neighbor sent over the salmon we talked about with L yesterday. She also came back to the house (this isn’t home) with a big bag of blueberries and I immediately knew what it was. It’s been in Neighbor’s freezer since his mother was alive and she was the one who acquired them and put them there. He told me and Mac (and Mac’s father, I think?) about it Monday night. Anyway, L likes to make berry crumble for him, so that’s what she did and he had a bowl of it before he left. They got in some Sitting Near One Another time on the sofa as well — I want to call it “cuddling,” because it just about was. God, why didn’t I make it stick the first time I dumped Matt? I could have found someone to do that with by now and I wouldn’t be here. Even in my current state of Being An Old Misery, I still find some things to like about here, but it’s fucking lonely and I’m so tired of that.

Finally figured out applying for a job at Walmart. My logic was as follows: At least now I have applied. Even if they say no or I never hear from them, I have applied. If they say yes, not only have I applied, I got a job and I will have regular income. And I can walk to work. That is really important. No worries about missing the bus. No worries about a car breaking down. No having to ask Neighbor if I can use his truck. Just walk and I’m there. Given what the weather supposedly does in wintertime I’ll likely need to do it in rain gear at some point but if I play my cards right, I’ll have a bicycle not very far into this and at least it won’t be as long of a commute in the dreich.

But I refuse to get my hopes up. They probably won’t hire me. It was just putting out feelers, really.

(I had had an application in with Walmart in Louisiana, but couldn’t work out how to get that store info out of my way to apply for a job here. Somehow I managed it this time. Happy accident, I guess.)

Given the way shit usually works out with my life, like as not I’ll get hired and it’ll interfere with going to the August thing I’ve been mentioning but at this point, I only spent $25 to sign up and I could take or leave whether I actually go. It’s been made pretty clear I am just the dogsitter and scutworker and am absolutely nothing else. Fine. Then y’all won’t mind if I go make a living while y’all sit around talking about shit you’re never actually going to do. Yawn.

But anyway.

Ran into someone who’s blocked me on Facebook and I have no fucking idea who they are. Can people just stop doing this shit? If someone has harassed or trolled you, FINE; the block function’s ideal for that. If you’re avoiding a dangerous person, ditto. If someone said something one time that annoyed you? Fuck you. I’m about ready to just shitcan the social media because all people do is use it to be antisocial. Well, most of it anyway. I might figure out a couple things to use or hold onto. I don’t know yet.

“But don’t people annoy you on social media, Dana?”

Yep. And you know what I do? I turn off the post notifications. HOLY SHIT.

Stupid fucking drama whores. “Help! Help! Someone disagreed with me! I’m being oppressed!” Lady, you don’t know shit about me. I don’t know why it makes me so fucking angry when people accuse me of shit I’m not doing, but there it is.

I know what this is. I have absolutely nothing to shore me up against some people’s disapproval. Once in a while someone pipes up and tells me they think highly of me. I always appreciate that — if I feel a bit weird about it — but it’s no substitute for having “your” people who actually like having you around. I have almost forgotten what that’s like. What I remember is that it was mostly facsimile because they only liked me as long as I kissed their asses. I’m not actually sure I’ve ever been genuinely liked. I see men with much worse personality traits than mine manage to rack up all sorts of friends, or at least a supportive social group. I say “fuck” once and everyone’s ready to lynch me.

You can’t be in that sort of situation and then take it in stride when someone rejects you for stupid reasons. Unless you’re a sociopath, maybe. I dunno.

Ugh. Okay. I’m gonna go shower, and then maybe finally eat. I’ve had two slices of cheese today. Trying to make stuff last. Never did hear about the ground beef. When muthafucka won’t even come out and talk to me and has got So Much Going On, I’m afraid to interrupt. UGH I NEED INCOME. Better work on that today too.

Yesterday was meat-sorting day again but there was a disruption in the routine. L and Neighbor went together to Oregon this time and Neighbor meant to do the pickup on the way back. I think they were discussing the local problem of someone wanting to clearcut a bunch of redwoods, etc. down by L’s property for building a subdivision. Neighbor mentioned something about that the day we went to the dump and apparently one of the players is in Oregon. So that was probably it. And they did make the pickup on the way back, though it was a little late. Because it was a little late, the most important break in the routine was I was asked to walk the dogs before we had got done with the sorting. End result was I ended up with one bag of shrimp. Added a couple more things of shrimp after I got done (L walked Hercules but that still left me with three dogs — thanks, L, much “solidarity” there) but no one had thought to set anything aside. Ended up asking Neighbor if I could have some pork chops or something as he was putting away. He seemed surprised but readily agreed. It also turned out there was a fuck of a lot of smoked salmon, which usually we split but hadn’t because I wasn’t standing right the fuck there when they uncovered it in the load. We talked about it some more on the way back to L’s place and he asked if I liked ground beef and mentioned that there was a lot of salmon (I knew; I’d seen it) and that I could pick that stuff up when I came over for the scutwork, but I would have to remind him because he is absent-minded. Well, at least he can admit it. Space case. Like I said. I lived with this for twenty years from Matt so I know what it looks like. Here’s hoping Neighbor does not also have an unhealthy dose of narcissism riding along shotgun. I don’t think so, but it’s early days. Often they hide it.

It was an awful feeling, though, knowing that this is my primary source of food every week and that he knows this is my primary source of food every week and yet he acted like it wasn’t even worth consideration or anything. Which is the absent-mindedness again. But still. If I wondered if there was any interest there, I no longer think so. Even absent-minded men sharpen up a fuck of a lot when it’s about a woman they like.

I don’t think that it is a bad thing to ask for what you need, but I always feel like I have to ask because people don’t give a shit. That’s the bit that hurts. It feels much less bad asking for things from total strangers I’ve just met if the asking is situationally appropriate because I don’t have history with them and don’t expect them to feel any kind of way toward me. People I have any history with? Then it gets thorny. Like, why am I even here when I’m nothing but scenery. The catch-22 is I keep winding up around people for whom I am nothing but scenery, and eventually I get sick of it and move on, so that I never get well-established with any social group and thus am perceived to be worth even less. I don’t know how I get off this fail carousel, but I really really hate it.

Thea went to the Grand Canyon this month and posted about it on Instagram. Dawn, of course, passed it on. Interestingly, I’ve been getting no hits from Colorado the past several days, but did seem to be getting additional Arizona hits. Yeah. They know this site is here. One or both of them looks at it. Speaking of scenery. Just more of the looking for reasons to hate me and absolutely no desire to engage with me as a human being. So, status quo then. But hey, you know what? I have also been to the Grand Canyon. I’ve been lots of places. I had a whole life before I met that asshole that my own daughter does not know about because it never occurred to me to talk about it and she wasn’t even a little curious. I should have seen this turn of events coming years ago. She’s just like him, no conscience at all. She wants to follow rules because it smooths things over for her, that’s it. Same as him. I love her anyway, flippant as that sounds. It’s not something you can just turn off like a switch. I wanted both her and her brother. I love them both. It’s really hard feeling that when you’ve been relegated to Baby-Making Thing and thrown aside when no one needs you anymore.

I could see if I’d been a child-beating alcoholic who constantly verbally berated both of them. That didn’t happen. I am not my parents. Not even the stepparent. I wasn’t a great mother either, but I wasn’t awful, you know? I’ve seen moderately awful. (Neighbor’s seen REALLY awful.) I’ve never even been that. Just mildly fucked up. Survivable. Even thrive-able. My kids and I should still have a relationship now. Should. Hell, I’m still speaking to the woman who once called me a bitch AS A CHILD and made a regular habit of slapping my face. And those are just examples. I should have completely cut her off from July 1992 onward. I didn’t. I’m a masochist or my kids are assholes. Pick one.

There are people coming for the August thing and L thought S would be arriving too. That didn’t sound right to me; S has stated several times he’s got a couple stops to make before he comes down to Crescent City. And last I knew, he’s still in Tanzania. So I DMed him and asked. Sure enough, he is. London, UK from the 14th to the 19th, I think? Then Portland, OR from the 20th to the 22nd. Then he comes down. He’ll be here a day early, not a month early. I’m both disappointed and relieved, haha. I wasn’t quite ready for that introduction yet.

Anyway he and Neighbor are probably both annoyed at me right now for not giving a shit about the Olympics opening ceremony being iNsULtiNg To ChRiStiAnS. It’ll probably be a passing irritation, but it’s not a good time to get social. Let’s let that blow over first. Though S might bring it back up again later. I doubt it. More likely he’ll be busy yammering about politics to anyone who’ll listen. I can get “busy” doing other things and just avoid that whole argument.

Okay. I’ve got to get this salmon et (already had it before yesterday) and then get over to Neighbor’s. Woo. But hey, need the money. May edit this and add more later. No idea.

[edit] Never mind the salmon. The first piece was okay, the second tastes a little weird. Well, we’ve got that “compost pile.” Someone will eat it…

[editedit] Oho, I was mistaken. Colorado has re-entered the chat. Well, it’s probably not like Thea and Matt (and fucking Crys) have moved to Arizona suddenly; why on earth would they have done that? So you have to figure they went home sooner or later. I spied a ding here from Denver from yesterday when I went back and looked.

Can’t stop them, of course. Not really even sure I want to; on the off-chance it’s her and not her fucking father, I don’t mind her keeping up, long as she’s not hate-reading. If she IS hate-reading, there’s nothing I can do about it anyway. I could say some really nasty shit to scare her off, but our relationship is damaged enough, thanks.

Neighbor is over right now because along with cooking him fucking pork chops (and lamb chops, I think? They’re supposed to be for her, but I think they share them), L also bakes him things, particularly berry crumble. This one’s special, I admit; his late mother had put this batch of berries in his freezer. He was telling Mac about them last night. I knew exactly what they were when L pulled them out of her bag when she came back from his place today. That’s great. Just super. Enjoy.

L also brought back the smoked salmon he and I discussed. No ground beef. He may have forgotten. I’ll go over to finish the scutwork tomorrow (got it half done today, and then all that will be left is the trash… he’ll let me know on that one, I think) and ask about the ground beef then. I heard them say they have shit going on, but if I go early enough, that shouldn’t be a problem. Unless it is a problem. I can’t predict anything anymore, really. I can probably stretch my existing food supplies until next Monday, but I sort of doubt it. Yes he’ll pay me, but I have to put some of that aside for the phone bill. I don’t know what next week’s scutwork haul will look like and it could just be one item. No bueno.

I hate to say it but it’s time to get off the caffeine. That shit is four-something a bag store brand and then paying for the half-and-half and sweetener besides. I could be buying something like cream cheese instead. I’ve already worked out a way to do the caffeine wean-off that won’t require me buying two whole-ass jars of instant coffee. Now I just need to make it happen. We’ll see if I get off the drink mix. Probably not, but it’s worth considering. It will make me sad, but spending my money so fast is making me sadder.

I still need more income, and maybe I need to be getting it where I’m not pissing people off. I dunno.

Had the run to the dump (it’s actually a refuse-sorting station) yesterday. Had been told the first time we did this that the second time, I’d be driving. Neighbor seemed to want to drive, though, and I didn’t question it. I am not sure if he forgot or if he just wants to be around my silly self one extra time. Pretty sure he forgot, because on the way back he said we’d go together again one more time and I’d drive. Well, we’ll see. If he seems to forget again, I’ll mention it.

He said that it’d be $25, not $20, for the scutwork. I’d pointed out that it’d looked like three items I’d done when the total workload was more akin to two items so he split the baby and said two and a half. I haven’t gotten it, though. He had a lot going on yesterday and then was going to visit his sister, and still nothing now, so who knows. I’m getting warning signs that Aunt Flo may visit again and I’d like to make sure I am fully supplied (I am okay for a few days if need be), so if I hear nothing by say 9pm or so, I’ll drop him a line. I don’t want to do that, but if he simply forgot, maybe he’ll be OK with being reminded. We’ll see. It’s not $100. He already said he’d do it yesterday. Not my fault even one little bit that he didn’t.

I’m hoping this stupid crush wears off soon. I am feeling a lot more patient with him than I did with Matt when Matt flaked like this, but I have to think a lot of it is just wanting to keep calm waters so I don’t lose my housing. Doesn’t mean I want to be dealing with an absent-minded man on more than a casual basis. It has occurred to me that some of the stupid shit that’s been happening is a way to test to see if I’m a decent person or a psycho. Either way, no bueno. I get that we’re all tired of being treated like shit for bullshit reasons and that it’s fucked our ability to trust but that doesn’t mean I want that shit in my personal life. If I’m ever going to have a man again, I want one with a lot less baggage.

I’ve kind of thought in that direction with S too. He strikes me as a traumatized nervous alcoholic unsure of his own sexuality. WOW, WHAT AWESOME BOYFRIEND MATERIAL. I’d just as soon pet a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. What’s the point? But I also have an idea that when we all get together next month he’s going to be too busy sitting around pontificating about politics to an admiring audience to have much time for me. That’d be cool. It would make things easier.

Hope I remember that when the time comes. My feelings get hurt waaayyyyy too easily.

Oh, related note to the “testing Dana for psycho.” One thing that happened yesterday was that on the way to the dump, Neighbor asked me how my day had gone. I hesitated, trying to think how to describe it, and must have made some sound because he immediately said, “What’s wrong?” like he was dreading the answer. I don’t know what that was about, but I didn’t rise to it. Just sort of smoothed things over and we went on with the conversation. That could have been fucking anything. He’s a survivor of extreme abuse, and that tends to make people hypervigilant, but he’s also done a lot of work on himself in therapy (he says), so it could have been any number of other motivations. It could be the “oh no, we pulled another psycho after all” thing bubbling up. It could be something else entirely. And this is one more reason I wish my crush would wear off. If I have to spend all my time wondering where the hell someone’s coming from and what’s going to happen next, that’s not exactly a recipe for long-term relationship stability. I’m not sure it’s even very helpful in a friendship.

People wonder why I keep to myself so much. It’s really not fucking complicated…

[edit] Oh, okay. He’s paid up now. Whew.

Went and did the scutwork today. A part of it is running to the dump; neither Neighbor nor L seem to use the municipal trash service and, given how far back each is from the road and how difficult it would be for a garbage truck to turn around in either scenario, it’s just as well. Neighbor already showed me the ropes once and we were due to have another session with me driving the pickup, but we had that thing last weekend that got in the way after meat-sorting night came two days late. So it’s two weeks’ worth of stuff, some of it meat wrappers. Yeehaw. But that’s okay. He hasn’t paid me for today yet so I suspect it’ll happen tomorrow. I told him it was more like two items than three because of distribution of things so we’re probably looking at $20 for the week unless he pays me for helping on the trash run too. I won’t push. We’ll see what he says.

Water went off today. It’s well water so this was some mechanism fucking up. Mac fixed it though. It’s nice to know the handyman and not have to go through a landlord.

He also chatted with L about replacing her car. She calls it Enya and I asked her about that today. She said, “Because it’s Caribbean blue.” Ah ha ha ha ha. So we’ll be seeing a vehicle change soon, I imagine.

I miss my car but I don’t miss the repair bills it would have racked up. At least I don’t have four ginormous doggos to transport.

I didn’t mention here, but I cut my hair yesterday. Needed it. I got clippers, one reason I wound up broke again. But I won’t have to pay for a haircut again. I’m sorted. I’ll take it. I look weird with short hair, but I look weird no matter what and I look a hell of a lot worse with my hair hanging down all thin and stringy and half in my face. When this grows out maybe a quarter inch it’ll actually look pretty good. I just have to keep on top of it now.

Neighbor messaged a little while ago. One of the things we get often in the meat sorting is smoked salmon. He and I both like it, so we wind up splitting it. (L also uses it to feed her dogs sometimes, I’ve noticed.) This time around, some of it was warm. He decided to chance it, so that’s what the message was about. He reported that he ate it and felt fine. I said it was probably the being smoked — I mean, that’s why they smoke salmon. Though I realize these days we aren’t using the old-fashioned methods, mostly.

But it’s weird how once in a great while he’ll chat at me randomly like that. Not often enough to get excited about, just the occasional bit of me going “…okay?” in my head. I wish we could have conversations. I realize he’s probably talking to umpty billion people though. L being one of them. But you know me, I don’t go where I’m not wanted or welcome. That way lies misery and I am never doing that again.

Watched Practical Magic this evening for the first time in years. I’m not usually a sucker for the romance genre but I love this film. I better be careful or I’m gonna start going around starry-eyed for no fucking reason whatsoever.

Oh, and side note. Matt’s second wife and I once got into a brief dispute over this movie because I happened to mention that the book story and the film plot are almost two completely different stories. She insisted that no, the film follows the book. What gets me is she’s a college grad with a master’s degree and yet she’s obviously illiterate, senile, or a liar. And this was more than twenty years ago. I wouldn’t be so harsh but she put me through some shit and I’m still a tad bitter about it.

(Another thing, and I can’t remember if it was this week or last week, about Neighbor is that I had to step away to dump some yucky stuff off to the side during the sorting and I came back to find a pack of steelhead in my stuff. He knows I like that too. I’ve said before that I think of him as a kind person. And yet he can seem so indifferent most of the rest of the time. I don’t get it, but I’m probably not meant to get it. Either things will come more clear over time or they won’t. My bet’s on won’t.)