21 October 2023

Pat’s gone. I was out driving yesterday and a text came across from Elizabeth. I glanced and saw the word “beautiful” in the notification and thought, Here we go. He’s gone. I read the full message later and I was right. She seems to imply he saw the sunset, at least, but if he didn’t he still had family and doggos around him and got to die at home. Sounds pretty good to me.

I do not know what’s going to happen from here. I’m assuming that since there’s a little over a month left on the lease, she’ll honor that but the way this year has gone so far, and my life in general really, it seems like keeping one’s word is optional anymore. Probably always was and I was just a bit too trusting.

I didn’t reply. I’ll be surprised if she even remembers she’s got me on that texting group. I might send a sympathy note tomorrow since she said she was going to be out of the loop until Sunday, but probably not. There has been a lot of implied or borderline promising or offering going on that never follows through.

For instance. The mail key which I was given in late June or early July. I had tried it then and couldn’t get into the mailbox for some reason. That was right before I fell on my nose, and that accident was just weird — I sometimes wonder if I had some sort of mental lapse that night — so I’ve waffled between telling her she gave me the wrong key and just going and trying it again because maybe I did something wrong and brain no wurky so I hadn’t realized it at the time. Nope. I tried it again tonight. I didn’t do anything wrong. It won’t go into the keyhole either way up. At all. I had a few somewhat important things sent to me and now I have no idea what happened to them. I can’t believe the mailbox would hold that much mail.

I probably had better say something before the 31st gets here. I’m still at a point of relative leverage. If I end up late on the rent she could start playing games and I’d have no ground to stand on. The only reason I haven’t already is because of the electric bill issue. And she could still play games based on that.

I am quite positive a lot of this was stress around Pat’s illness. Doesn’t matter as much as it should; my needs are not going to wait until she decides to quit holding my life hostage, and this is not the first time she has. I should be more sympathetic and caring than I am, which I am pretty much not at all. In my experience, nobody actually wants me to care about them; they want ego strokes. I don’t give a fuck about egos and I’m no one’s fucking fluffer so that’s just not gonna happen. I’m burnt out. I tried. I got nothing but my efforts ignored or thrown back in my face. And now that I’ve had to deal with crazy people one too many times, the signs are very noticeable to me now so when I start picking that up on the radar I get reeeeeal skittish. It is what it is. Moving on now.

Eh. I should just get a P.O. box and get it over with. And what’s held me up on that was not being sure where to rent it. I kind of want to go back to Clintonville and get one there. If the same lady is working there who was there the whole time I lived with Matt, she’d shit to see me again. Haha. But get the box, get my PayPal card re-issued since I’m probably never going to even see the other one, and then the only other thing I really need to worry about is the BMV address-change card and maybe I can go in and get that done directly. I need to re-up my license and registration anyway, and had probably better do those in person. This next little while’s going to be interesting.

(At least I know the registration will be under $100. Thank fuck. Wonder if I can also get it and my license done early.)

The last several days have been interesting with the driving. Solid $100-plus days. Today it was going up by Alum Creek Lake again. Hadn’t done that in a while. The fall colors are absolutely lovely, and I wish I had a decent camera. If I weren’t in a mad rush to solve my immediate housing-related crisis, I’d go up there with my film SLR and take phone photos as backup in case my film’s too old. Oh well. Maybe I’ll still be alive and in Ohio next year and maybe I won’t.

I mean to do more stuff here soon on a couple Pages I’ve left idle. I’m kind of scattered at the moment. Got all sorts of backlog in multiple areas of my life. I should do more of that and less fucking around on social media. There’s too much silence. I need chatter. Not the TV. I don’t know what the fuck happened to television but it’s just gross now.

Okay. Bed.