Letter to Kay

After going back and forth for almost two years about whether to, I finally decided to write to Matt’s mother.

I put Matt’s home address as the return. If for some reason Kay and Roger (Matt’s stepfather and adoptive father) aren’t living at the house I used to visit, the letter will simply be returned to Matt. I’d love to be a fly on the wall for that moment. Just one more little needling.

But, I suspect they’re still in the same place. I expect absolutely nothing from this — and they could signal to me that they got it; they’ve got one of those creepy Stepford joint Facebook accounts and I am a very easy find. They did not, however, attempt that when I first left. They just pretended I don’t exist. So I know what’s going to happen: nothing.

After what happened with Cheryl, my ex-husband’s mother, that’s actually sort of a relief. And I should have learned my lesson long before now: just because someone acts like they like you doesn’t mean they do. I have no real friends in life, and I may as well face it.

I wish I could say that was deserved. It really isn’t though. I see people worse than me with friends, family, and social circles absolutely everywhere. I think most people are just shitty, that’s all. I have my shitty moments too. I am not sure what to do with that information. I am not sure it matters.

I think I wrote the letter to give my side more than for any other reason. That way I can tick off a box and say it’s done and they can’t say they didn’t know. Or they could, but they’d be lying. Because sure, one of the worst liars I have ever personally known came from kind and honest people. Sure he did.

Anyway. Here you go. For posterity.


22 August 2023

Hi Kay.

Sorry if you were expecting someone else. I didn’t put my own return address on this because, well, I don’t know why I’m bothering, and I fully expect this to go nowhere. But I also wanted to be able to speak for myself, which up til now I have not had the opportunity to do, since neither you nor Roger ever reached out to me after things finally fell apart. Thanks for that, by the way.

First of all, I wanted to clear up a particular point on why Matt and I never married. As you know, he was already married when I got pregnant with Althea. He ended up divorced the following year, however, so why didn’t we tie the knot then? That seems to have been a sticking point with some of you, your aunts in particular.

He did ask me to handfast with him (non-legally-binding ceremony) the year I was pregnant, but when he asked, it was with all the air of one being dragged kicking and screaming to ask for something he didn’t actually want. We never discussed how or when or where it was going to happen, and then he started screwing around with Yvette (it’s one thing to have an open relationship, quite another to sneak around behind someone’s back when you’ve told them you weren’t going to start any new involvements, which he had in my case), so things got really toxic and it would have been silly to discuss it then because no one wants to marry, legally-binding or otherwise, a person who’s making them miserable.

Well, you might say, but that was 2004 and you’ve had almost twenty years since. Yes, that’s true. And he’d shown me that he lies and he can’t be trusted to do anything but spend money, often inappropriately, which frankly does not make one a good husband candidate either. I needed him around to help with Thea. I did not need to be married to him for that. You may rest assured that after 2006 or 2007 we had nothing like an intimate relationship going on, either.

As to why I finally left. What happened in 2004 and 2005 (because he still wouldn’t stop lying and sneaking around) wasn’t bad enough. He had to put me through it again, this time with Crys. His argument is that we weren’t together. That’s completely fair, so my question is why did he carry on like he was having an affair, and right when we were running into serious problems with Thea, too. I’m also perimenopausal so I was going through distressing health changes, my daughter was in a crisis, and I had no one to turn to for help or support because Thea’s particular situation means everyone has made me into the villain because I won’t affirm it. Matt knows why I won’t. He didn’t want to deal with it. He wanted to escape again like the little fucking coward he has always been.

I am tired of people making me into a monster for the most ridiculous of reasons. And that includes my own daughter. I loved her before she was born, I loved her and was heartbroken when I left, I still love her now. But you must understand I am the villain because I still call her “her.” Because I know she’s female and can’t change that. That is probably THE most ridiculous reason to make someone into a monster that I’ve ever heard of. I wasn’t going to stay and keep being the odd-out scapegoat, watching her destroy her health and body for nothing when I can’t even try to stop her, being treated like an intruder in my own damn home because I’m harshing Matt’s special fairy tale.

But I’m out of their lives now and I’m sure they’re much happier. I’m sure you are too. Enjoy.