11 October 2023

I’ve taken another day off because after yesterday’s fail parade, I was pretty keyed up and couldn’t sleep. Or I’d start falling asleep and then get angry and wake back up. Or a little of both. I don’t really know. Point is, I woke up tired. If I had to drive to a workplace and then stay there working for eight hours like this, I would do it, but having to drive around TO work is another matter.

Plus there were a lot of people on the lot today and I just didn’t feel like trying to maneuver through all that. I actually put off going out and getting food (I am not certain of the safety of what’s left in my fridge and freezer after yesterday’s shenanigans) just because I didn’t want to deal with them. Even in passing.

I really don’t know if I’m going to make the full $1000 this month. It’s the 11th already and I’ve barely got anything. That’s somewhat my fault, a little bit not (several factors went into this situation), at least as far as my post-employment life is concerned. Obviously, the quitting the job was 100% my fault. Anyway. I’m working on securing employment but we’ll just have to see how things go. A couple things I thought were leads are actually not that great. I do see a couple other things that are kind of in line with what I had in mind, though. They’ve got weekly pay so maybe I still have a chance.

(I even discovered I have options for stopping my stupid period and that I’ll be able to enact either of two of them without setting foot in a doctor’s office if it comes down to that. If it even works at my weight, but it should at least quiet things down a lot. I don’t care if I still have a period if it happens to just get a lot lighter instead of stopping. That’s still a win.)

But if stuff doesn’t work out then it doesn’t work out. I already don’t trust Elizabeth’s claim that she’d be a reference for me with a future landlord. I could barely get her to deal with the paperwork Molly sent her. For all I know, she could be worse after Pat dies. I understand why, but my understanding won’t improve the situation one bit. That’s pretty much a dead end. I will make plans as best I can and try to mitigate any damage — I don’t need to lose something important again because I had to hightail it out of here before she locks my shit down. Pretty sad that I have to think like that but that’s my life anymore.

I did email Molly today to ask if I was still in the program. I literally have not heard from her since July and that by text message. Last email from her was June. I remember signing a document that stated I have to participate in the rehousing program in order to stay in the program, but no one told me what that meant and I’ve had zero feedback on whether I’m properly participating since. If I’m still in it I’ll update her on what’s happening. If I’m not, at least I’ll know I’m not. If she ever answers — and hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t. It would be par for the course. The Salvation Army did a lot for me and I’ll never say otherwise, but they treated me pretty shabbily in some ways too. Which seems to be the story of my fucking life, and I wish I knew why.

I have not tried to contact anyone to ask about Dad. I went to him two years ago with my heart broken and not sure where to turn next and all I got was lectures. Everyone wants me to be this soft cuddly lovable comforting presence and what the fuck, I never had that. Closest I got was Matt and he was fucking lying to my fucking face. I don’t know how I survived childhood, much less anything else. Life’s hard, huh? Have fun experiencing your own theories, old man. Amazingly, with as big of an asshole as he often is, he still has people there for him. I’ll never have that again — and I only ever had it because I was a kid and it was kind of mandatory. I don’t have it now. Just games and bullshit and everyone going “what’s in it for me”. I’VE GOT NOTHING. I’M FUCKING TAPPED. EXPLOIT SOMEONE ELSE.

Okay. I need to see if I can be productive at all today. It won’t be driving, but I’m kind of dancing around something and I need to do more of it. Later.