19 September 2023

Had the phone call with Hospital today. I half suspected it was just going to be some kind of screening preliminary thing. I was right. HR lady and I vibed, though, which is what happened with the Quantum interview so maybe this might go somewhere. I guess we will just have to see. I will say this: I’m not optimistic. How many times have I thought an interview went well or at least not badly only to be ghosted or told no? This will just be the next time. I can see it coming all too clearly.

I am not bothering being angry at myself for quitting Quantum because that place was not good for me. It should have been, and certainly the money and benefits were decent, but I cannot be in a situation where three months in I still feel like I don’t know my own ass from a hole in the ground. Some people like that. I’m not some people. I’m just me people. I don’t have to like it. I just have to accept it.

Was going to go out delivering, but felt crappy for a while. I am not sure what’s going on there. I could list off this whole litany of possible candidate-conditions, but there’s no point, is there. Even if I had health insurance I’d make myself broke; that urgent-care visit for my nose cost me $125 when I was covered on the co-pay plan. Ouch. I will say I suspect possibly some residual shit from having COVID a year ago and also possibly some kind of gallbladder problem. (I fit the demographic pretty much to a T.) But it could also be simple nerves, or it could be that tomorrow is the two-year anniversary of me basically abandoning my daughter, and I haven’t heard from her in probably most of one. I normally deal fine with being by myself but the past two years I’ve felt alone to a level I’ve never felt it before. I honestly do not know why I am still here.

But, no point whinging about it. I have to drive tomorrow and I have to push myself to get the rent money ASAP, just so it’s not held off til the last minute. I also need to get ahead so I can figure out my final month here. In this apartment, I mean. Though hell, for all I know it could be my final month entirely. Life’s a crap shoot. Emphasis on “crap.”

I may go to the movies soon. I rolled my eyes at the thought of seeing Barbie, but enough women with generally feminist inclinations have come back praising it that I’m somewhat willing to give it a shot. I’m not a lemming and I don’t need people to tell me what to watch but I am not going to pay movie-theater prices for something that’s just going to piss me off. As it is, I’ll likely hit the 1pm show because that’s matinee prices at the theater I mean to visit. Thirty percent off. Fine by me. I’m aware of the choo-choo pretending to be Dr. Barbie in the film, but I also know his back story and that he was only pity casting and it’s a very short appearance. Egotistical fuckface. Easily overlooked. I just want a diversion. I’ve been watching Red Dwarf on Tubi and laughing at it — Matt had the entire series not including the new episodes and I had only ever half paid attention but now I actually want to see it — but actually Going Somewhere would be nice. I’ve done it before. I wouldn’t have been able to see Star Wars: The Phantom Menace on opening day in 1999 if I hadn’t gone alone because my fucking “friends” didn’t bother trying to include me. And that’s when things were still good. This is how much I’m worth. But I don’t mind taking me to movies. I’m good company. That’s fine.

A note in case this comes back up later: My back’s weird today for some reason. It’s weird anyway first thing in the morning because I’m pretty sure memory-foam mattresses are terrible for it, but this is just one-sided and well after I’ve been up and about, because usually it’s both sides and it works its way out as I go through my morning stuff and move around some. I sometimes wonder about my kidneys just because of what Dad’s been through. So, one more concern. My consolation in that case is that end-stage renal disease is a trigger condition for Medicare coverage no matter how old you are, so at least that won’t send me to the poorhouse any worse than I already am. But I’d like to not have to do that, if the universe doesn’t mind. Kidney disease sucks. Period.

Okay. Bedtime. I need to get my ass up to have time to make a good lunch run with delivery. Just do. If I can clear $75 I’ll be pretty happy. About that, anyway.

18 September 2023

Heard back from Prospective Hospital Employer today via email and they will be calling me at 2pm or so tomorrow. Trying not to get too excited. One, it’s only a little over $16 an hour and I’ll be struggling to get in my final rent payment (November), possibly my final two (October and November) if they want me to start this month. It’s a full-time job and I’ll still have to deliver until I start getting paid; I doubt they have DailyPay. Two, there’s no guarantee I’ll even get the job. This was a shot in the dark because geographically the job makes sense; if I move back to Clintonville, it’s the same zip code and also, the whole thing will be accessible by city bus. Logistically, once I have my foot in the door at a hospital, I could in theory work my way up, too. I was thinking something like unit secretary or patient access representative. There are training things you can do from home to improve your chances of getting those. Hospitals usually have good benefits, too, though I am not sure I will take advantage of those right away. I think I’d need to be earning at least $18 an hour and not be living in a place that costs an arm and a leg. I’m going to try doing the VA health plan first and paying for my own dental and vision and it’ll be cheaper than whatever they’re offering there. If I get to $18 an hour and can keep an inexpensive apartment, it’ll be my ballgame. Assuming that isn’t ten years from now. Good lord.

If that doesn’t happen, well, we’ll see. I have a few places I can consult to try to get something seasonal with weekly pay. Anything like that will pay more than sixteen-whatever an hour, too. It just won’t last past January. Hypothetical Prospective Landlord doesn’t have to know that, though. Also, alternatively, I might be able to renew my lease for six more months. I am so fucking tired of people being fucking flaky. Then they want to shit all over me for being flaky. I’m like… excuse you? You all outnumber me. If none of you are going to get your shit together, there is no call to be expecting that from me, either. I’ll be over here waiting for y’all to get the fuck over yourselves. God. I hated military life and now I hate civilian life with equal fervor. I would like a happy fucking medium, please.

Got dishes washed. You would think I’d be more on top of that. I only have enough for four place settings. Oh, well… it still hasn’t gotten as bad as Matt’s place at its worst. And Matt has a fucking dishwasher. Machine. Dishwashing machine. So, even less excuse.

Still no word about the electric bill. Elizabeth had mentioned something about not being sure if she had my email address, but she does have my phone number. Wouldn’t have taken two seconds to text me about it. So this is June, July, and August now, and we’re more than halfway through September. It’s not unreasonable to assume the bill’s been about $200 a month. You know, even if she hadn’t started making noises about wanting to house family in this apartment again at some point in the future, this after telling me I could renew here, I’d be looking for an escape hatch. I do like it here, but I don’t like uncertainty at all. I can tolerate a certain amount, but if it seems like it’s going to fuck me up the ass when I’m not looking, no thank you.

The mail situation hasn’t been great either. She did give me what was ostensibly the mailbox key but it doesn’t seem to work. I’m going to try again tomorrow when I take the trash and recycling down the hill, just to make sure I didn’t have some weird brain glitch. If it really doesn’t work then I need to say something, but I don’t particularly want to talk to her until I have job news. If I do get the job, I’m getting a fucking P.O. box in Clintonville again. That’ll solve that problem. I am tired of it. I can’t get all my mail there, but I can get most of it.

I need to make jewelry. I’ve had some ideas and I keep flaking. (See above.) Having alternative income sources would be very helpful right now. Same goes for drawing. I am not my own best friend. That needs to change, NOW.

Magic lighter

I just saw a Facebook post that reminded me of this. I used to own a magic lighter.

It was a green Bic, and I’ve never been a smoker but I’ve been an incense aficionado pretty much my whole adult life. I could not now tell you when I actually purchased said Bic, but I’m pretty sure I was still married at the time, which would place that somewhere between 1995 and 1999. Also I got it right before Bic started childproofing all their lighters.

That sucka lasted… God… I don’t even know how long. I was using it the whole time, too. I am pretty sure my daughter existed in the world by the time it ran out of fuel, and she was born in late 2004. Matt knew about it, let’s put it that way. We used to joke about my magic lighter with the everlasting fuel.

By the time it died we were living in the house he bought. I wound up replacing it with two other Bics. Childproofed, natch, though by then no one was in any danger from them — Thea doesn’t seem to have had the firebug phase that her Uncle Doug had as a child.

I really would rather have a Zippo, but I’ve held off. I want a cool one.

17 September 2023

Had a nasty migraine today. They never seem to be as painful as I’ve heard other people complain about theirs being (I’ve had a couple humdingers in my time but generally, I mean) but the fact of being in “just enough” pain for hours and hours, plus the other symptoms one gets with a migraine, just saps away at you. I’m still not okay, just better. In the early hours of this I was all “WTF?” and then saw someone on Facebook querying about their East Coast friends and my brain went “oh, a hurricane” and I was even more disgusted. I don’t always feel those, but I feel them quite often. Could do without, honestly.

Checked back at some point with Uber from yesterday and my last couple runs were nice surprises, both topping up their tips and one in a big way, so I had around thirty bucks sitting there waiting for me that I hadn’t had available to insta-deposit last night. The week was still shitty, but that was because I skipped a day because my guts were doing weird shit, including the weird shits. Not sure what that was about. If I’d had that extra day and had started yesterday earlier instead of at close to 4pm, I probably would have hit the $400 benchmark. As it is, I’m at gold pro status until the end of next month now. It doesn’t take long to rack up points on the weekends.

I have been redoing my home page and arranging things better. Now it’s all in front of my stupid face and I have to work on it, don’t I, or else it looks stupid all linking to empty websites. I haven’t added Gynepedia there yet, but I will soon, and I need to start working on that too. I’m wondering, actually, whether I might not be better served making that my work-from-home thing (which I would do in addition to an actual job, though hopefully only on a temporary basis) rather than trying to learn a whole new skill when I’ve already got plenty of skills, just nowhere to direct them. As it is, I will need to learn some new things to be able to build Gynepedia to its full potential. I want to do some of the cool shit Wikipedia does on their own front page. Those features aren’t native to MediaWiki, so I would need to learn how to build them. But, one step at a time. If I can at least get the stupid thing functional and start making it useful, that’ll be a good start. Finally. After literal decades wishing for it.

(There’s a similar thing someone else is doing called “Feminist Wiki” but [a] I came up with my idea first, in the late nineties; [b] that site’s run by a man; and [c] I do not intend to make my wiki feminism-themed, though feminism will be included since obviously it’s a women’s thing. I want the wiki to be representative of women from all walks of life, not just the ones currently favored by Western academics with an axe to grind. Half those fuckers don’t know what a woman is anymore, anyway.)

God, I’m exhausted. Fuck if I know why. Didn’t do shit all day.

Reba’s still at it, liking my Facebook posts. Jesus fuck, woman, I’ve tried to add you as a friend how many times now.

I once ran across some instructions on how to make sloe gin from dried sloes. Big man makes sloe gin and I was like, well, I’ve heard of this but had no idea what it was, wonder what it tastes like? Can’t get the fresh ones so this is my other option. Can also make it sugar-free, which I need to be moving more in the direction of anyway. I’m mentioning this because I wanted to make a note to myself to maybe try it soon. It’ll depend on how much a decent gin costs. I know a couple places to go look. That’s not likely going to be a thing I can do until after I move, but it might be nice to have for later. I forget how long it takes to do its thing and become fully flavored.

I also want to get a camera. Despite all the stupid emotional baggage attached to my DSLR, I cried when I sold it. The camera on my phone is hot garbage and even though I intend to replace the phone, I just want something I don’t need to be attached to my phone for general photography purposes. Doesn’t seem to matter how many megapixels a phone camera’s got, anyway, because the photos still turn out weirdly flat. Bit like the old film point-and-shoots. Disappointing. Someday I’ll have a DSLR again but in the meantime I’d like something in between in terms of photo quality. In the meantime, I should play more with my film SLR. Though I’m not sure what quality photos it will turn out at this point. It could use a refurb. I may be able to get that done here in town. I know where to ask. Though, as long as it will keep taking photos, I’ll content myself with that. A refurb’s going to be pricey. Might even cost as much as the stupid camera I’m wanting to buy. Because of course it would.

Dog barking again. What on earth? Is between 10 and 11pm just their Going Potty For The Night time? I forgot dogs have to do that. It’s been a while. For all I know, that’s Ghost barking at a rabbit. He does that.